ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
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Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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