life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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