this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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