in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize