watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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