I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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