Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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