he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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