No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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