Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
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multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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