enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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