New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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