She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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