Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
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how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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