I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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