I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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