I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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