News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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