how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize