: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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