Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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