I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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