dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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