Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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