Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize