tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The Olympian is in my bed
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