Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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