You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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