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I accidentally had phone sex last night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
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