I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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