when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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