You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
false alarm, still single
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