Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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