is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
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He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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