Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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