would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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