I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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