Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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