my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
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Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
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I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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