his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize