HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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