i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
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Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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