So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Two words: nipple clamps
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