the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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