Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You pole danced in your parka.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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