i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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