im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
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sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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