I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize