the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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