She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
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Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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